For some reason this comment seemed to arouse emotions of extreme agitation
For some reason, this comment seemed to arouse emotions of extreme agitation in said boyfriend. Surfacing after much encouragement, I felt impelled to remind him not to overstew my teabag because the last few times the cuppa's been way too strong. There was my boyfriend, making my cup of tea, cooking breakfast and gently reminding me it was time to get up. The bestselling book, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, by American psychologist Dr John Gray, has mutated into a UK group workshop led by former Relate counsellor Chrissie McDonald. She is now sitting in my living-room, giving a potted demonstration of the workshop and trying to improve my relationship with the help of a metaphorical swimming-pool. Never mind all this water malarkey, I say, I've got examples of my relationship angst straight off the press Take the morning of her visit. Other people seem to be hanging out in the deep end, paddling pool, shallow end, the cafe, even up on the diving-board.
These are not the observations of a swimming nerd, but of a woman who's just been Mars and Venused. At the moment I'm in the wave machine, but would rather be in the Jacuzzi. My boyfriend is locked in the changing-rooms but is also hoping to make it to the bubbles. I remember going on business trips to exotic places but it wasn't the same standing in front of the Niagra Falls without Sandy.Journalist: What are you most looking forward to about growing old together?Lionel: Being together.Michael: Yes What matters is that I'm going to have my friend with me.. You are hopeless with those.Sandra: What I really mean by friendship is being completely relaxed with someone.Gloria: For me it's about sharing.Michael: Yes.
When you first fall in love things like sexual attraction are at the forefront but as you get older the priority shifts to friendship.Lionel: And what makes a good friend?Sandra: You need to have lots in common.Michael: Hmm, but look at us I like playing with cars and computers. Whereas nowadays it's all written down that people should be getting this and that so if they're not, they feel deprived.Journalist: Is fidelity essential?(Long pause)Sandra: Well, we had one or two little "experiments" in the Sixties.Gloria: Us too.Sandra: You have to eventually be able to talk about it and understand that if one of you has gone off and had a little adventure it's not so important that it's going to break up your marriage. Every magazine now is telling you you've got to have multiple orgasms and if he doesn't do this there's something wrong...Michael: ...they never tell men how to have multiple orgasms, I note.Sandra: We had to experiment as we went along and wonder about other people. Sandy encouraged me to go for a change but she knew if it didn't work we wouldn't have any money for food.Gloria: I think many people now start off with too much as individuals and so haven't got enough to aim for and achieve together.Sandra: I think that's true sexually as well. I can understand that, but marriage is all about letting yourself need each other Sometimes you have to take risks Like when I was 40 and unhappy in my job. People are handling money as if, at the back of their minds, they know they're going to have to divide it up again.Michael: I suppose people don't like the idea of losing their independence financially. And I do find it odd when I hear a husband and wife say to each other, "You owe me pounds 10", as if they're keeping an account on each other.Lionel: These prenuptial contracts seem sad to me.
I like receiving cards and I've never missed giving Gloria a birthday, anniversary or Valentine...Sandra: Could I marry you please?Journalist: Was money ever an issue?Sandra: Right from the start our money has been our money. The money that will be spent on that rubbish over the next few days would be enough to feed most of the poor in Africa.Sandra: You only read that yesterday - what's your excuse for the past 40 years?Lionel: Well I think these touches are important. For our wedding present he bought me a suitcase.All: A suitcase!Michael: Look, I don't believe in all that card stuff. One thing that does disappoint me, mind you, is that Michael isn't more of a romantic He never buys me flowers or Valentine's cards. We always took Tuesdays off to make up for Lionel having to work on a Saturday and did something together.Sandra: When you get out of your environment all the humdrum irritations get into perspective. Of course there was a period when the children were young and life revolved around getting them to school, feeding them, and we couldn't be bothered to talk about anything else.Gloria: When our children left I felt we were back together again as a couple It was lovely But you have to make things to look forward to.
You draw strength from each other that makes the losses and bad times bearable. That's what love's about.Lionel: Yes, it's not a sudden dewy-eyed thing that hits you out of the blue. It's a shared history built out of all those minute-by-minute, day- by-day experiences. And when you've invested all that, you don't want to lose it.Journalist: How do you avoid boredom?Sandra: Someone once told me the secret of a good marriage is routine On Monday you do the washing, Tuesday the vacuuming .. I thought, I wouldn't want to be alive if it got like that. Politeness matters more than people realise.Lionel: I can remember us rowing over the silliest things like the baby's bottle - how many spoonfuls of milk precisely should go in, how hot.Gloria: You go through life thinking trivial things are so important and then something awful happens - like a bereavement - and it puts it in perspective. The modern way is to get out every feeling but if you say something really hurtful you can never take it back.